for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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