I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
