I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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