I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
