so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
