I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
