On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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