I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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