Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
