I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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