If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Oh god it's open bar.
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