Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
