At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
