Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We are two peas in an std pod
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
