I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
