If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
