I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
