apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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