I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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