i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
