i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Randomize
