I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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