sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
