There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
