if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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