i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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