my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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