we'll go far in life on tits alone.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
