wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
