Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
