My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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