1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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