I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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