I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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