Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
