Please, let me fuck your mom
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
