so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
