im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
