Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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