he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
