alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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