if only i could text you this smell
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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