anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
