I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
