i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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