the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
