im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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