I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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