I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
