Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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