what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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